“Do you ever have that feeling, like something is wrong with your life? Like you’ve made all these choices, done all these things, to get to where you are, and you look around and think, what the hell happened? How did all of that lead to this?
“You grow up, in a fairly happy home. Great. You have a blast in elementary school, middle school is iffy, high school sucks. Then you hit college and it gets a little better. You find things and people you are interested in. You make friends, fall in love, get your heart broken, and do it all over again. Everything kind of feels like elementary school again.
“Then you graduate and you are shoved out into this world that you really don’t know much about, and you feel like you aren’t qualified to do anything, because you’ve spent the last four years learning how to think, a quality no one really wants in an employee. So you eventually find a job, one that isn’t great but doesn’t totally suck, and you work for a while until you realize you hate the job and want to quit in a rage.
“But you can’t, because you have bills to pay and you need to eat, and you got invited to three weddings in three different states this summer, and of course you are going, but do you know how expensive it is to go to a wedding? It’s super expensive, because you need to travel and find a place to stay and buy a gift and something to wear and take time off work, but you want to be a good friend and so you have to go, even though you’ll be eating instant ramen and peanut butter off a spoon for the next month.
“And then, like I said, you look around and think, ‘How the hell did I get here?’ How is this my life? Is this what I want? Then you think about what you do want, but it’s not really practical. Like, do you really think you are going to be able to make it as a painter? No. Most famous painters were only valued after they were dead, which doesn’t do you any good now, or they totally sell out, and you don’t want to be a poser. Although it worked out for Jackson Pollock, huh? Did you know his work was based on consumerism and a carefully crafted image and style?
“But not everyone can be Jackson Pollock, so you are back to art not being a good enough reason to quit your shitty job. And don’t even get me started on the psychological aspects. Like, when you find yourself fake laughing with friends or at work because it’s easier, or you stop caring about things you were passionate about, or all of a sudden you are really into something you never thought you would be, but are you into it because you actually care, or because people around you are, or society is?
“And then you start thinking about how much of your personality is really you, and how much of it is just the people and culture around you, or your genes, or whatever. So then you’re like, ‘Is any of this real, does any of it matter? Is this just a hologram, or are we ruled by fate or God or whatever and have no free will?’ And then you just sit there, totally helpless, as you realize you can never have answers to any of those questions, and you’re just like, what the hell?”
“Okay.”
“Wow. Here I thought we had a moment. I spilled my story to you and all you have to say is ‘okay?’ What does that even mean?!”
“Ma’am, this is the DMV. I’m going to have to ask you to take a seat.”
Inspired by a writing prompt from The Character Comma’s prompt generator.
© The Lightning Tower, 2020